it has come to my attention life sucks. thats pretty much it. i feel like i got fucked over, i'm not happy about it, and it really sucks. i wish i had someone to talk to. oh well....

nar‧cis‧sism  /ˈnɑrsəˌsɪzɛm/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[nahr-suh-siz-em]
noun

1.	inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love; vanity.

2.	Psychoanalysis. erotic gratification derived from admiration of one's own physical or mental attributes, being a normal condition at the infantile level of personality development.

cyn·i·cal (sin-i-kuhl)
adj.

1. Believing or showing the belief that people are motivated chiefly by base or selfish concerns; skeptical of the motives of others: a cynical dismissal of the politician's promise to reform the campaign finance system.
2. Selfishly or callously calculating: showed a cynical disregard for the safety of his troops in his efforts to advance his reputation.
3. Negative or pessimistic, as from world-weariness: a cynical view of the average voter's intelligence.
4. Expressing jaded or scornful skepticism or negativity: cynical laughter.

So I was informed I am both narcissistic and cynical recently. I don't know what to make of that. It also came to my attention that I do a poor job making decisions. Therapy was suggested for me. I can't say I disagree, but I think damn near everyone could benefit from having someone to talk to, and I guess I must wonder am I more in need than the average guy on the street. I honestly do not know. I know I am a cynical person, I don't much like the world or believe in the inherent good of society. I have often thought people are generally motivated by their own interests about anything else, regardless of what they actually say or do. I must now wonder if I am wrong on that one. Perhaps it's just me?

I know I'm still dealing with issues from when the parents got divorced. As a child I(along with my siblings) were repeatedly told by my mother that we should not fear our parents getting divorced that it was NEVER going to happen. Then one day when I was 10, it happened. It was initiated by my mother and it was a long time coming. This leads me to believe that the entire time she was telling us that it was never going to happen she knew that there was a very real possibility that it was in fact going to happen, a good chance sooner rather than later. I believe my mother wanted us to sleep well at night and not stay up worrying. The flaw in the plan was that although I may have slept well then, I have not slept as well since that day. I mean, I was lead to believe that there was nothing to worry about and it turned out there was in fact something to worry about. Now I worry about EVERYTHING. I do not trust pretty much anyone. I do not believe in good intentions.

That bothers me. It bothers me because if I met someone like that, I don't think I would like them. In fact, I'm sure I would not. So why do I allow myself to be that way? Why have I chosen to be this person. Or, I guess I must ask, have I not chosen to be this person, rather this is just the person I have become because I have not chosen not to be this person.

As I try to process all of that, my mind wonders to a place where it wonders why I don't really have goals for myself. I quite possibly the most laid back, take what like throws at you and deal with it person I know. I often do not finish projects(or even start them) because if it's not going to be absolutely perfect then I have no interest in finishing it. I really do not know what that it. I consider myself a perfectionist, however most of the perfectionists I know work and work and work until them get something absolutely right. I on the other hand don't even bother because I don't think it will ever be right. Why am I so different?

It's odd because I think as a general rule, people like me. Yes, I'm introverted and it's takes a while for me to open up, however once I do I get along with most everyone. Yet, I don't think I trust pretty much anyone. Is this putting on a facade? Or can you like someone and be friends with them even if you don't entirely trust them?

As I read over this posting, I find that it is long, random, and illogical. It has no semblance or order or reason. I don't know if I should publish it. I do know that I want to start to figure some of this out. If only i knew how....

Am I truly crazy or is everyone like this to some degree or another?